Mumps by Biltong

" And the people of R5H H7L have indicated that they aren’t opposed to any follow-up mission in the near future."

Boy, what a day. Yawning, I leaned back in my chair and tried to touch the ceiling with my stretch, trying desperately to get the kinks out.

This was the third day in a row I had woken up feeling sluggish, and from how rotten I was feeling already, it was going to be by far the worst day.

" Coffee."

Damn good idea O’Neill. Pushing my chair back, I rose to my feet, only to stagger slightly, feeling light headed. What the heck did I drink last night? Puzzling over that question I wandered over to the coffee machine and poured myself a cup of really strong coffee.

Sniffing the aroma first, I then proceeded to take a cautious sip, only to find I had trouble swallowing.

Damn. I didn’t need a cold now. We were due to go through the gate tomorrow, something I had really been looking forwards to. After three weeks of doing nothing besides rattle around the base each day, any planet seemed like heaven to me, even one filled with Jaffa. Well, maybe I wouldn’t stretch things quite that far, but you know what I mean.

Carter slipping and badly spraining her ankle on P Yadda-Yadda had given General Hammond the perfect opportunity to order me to get my paperwork sorted out. He had then promptly gone on leave, leaving me in sole charge for three weeks. But now he was back, and SG1 were due to ship out at 08H00 tomorrow.

What I hadn’t planned for was a cold, or even worse, flu.

Ah well, That’s why they had invented multivitamins and vitamin C capsules. For people like me who just plain didn’t have enough time to be sick.

Still, I was feeling lousy, and my bunk was looking so inviting. Deciding that a nap wasn’t such a bad thing, I decided to lie down for a while, just until I felt better.

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" Sam!"

I smiled as I saw the petite form of Dr Janet Fraiser running along the corridor behind me.

" Hi Janet." Slowing my steps so that she could catch up, I smiled at her. " Thanks once again for the wonderful evening last night. We had a blast, and as for Cassandra’s cooking, you taught her well."

Instead of replying, Janet just stared at me, looking anxious.

" Janet?"

She didn’t answer at first, making me concerned.

" Janet, what’s wrong?"

She frowned, her brown eyes looking worried. " Sam, the school phoned, Cass has mumps. I’m going to fetch her now."

I looked at her, shocked. " She was alright last night…" I said.

We began walking towards the lift. " Do you want me to come with you? I had mumps three times as a kid, so I should be immune. I’m sure General Hammond won’t mind."

" Oh shit!"

I paused, confused at my friends uncharacteristic outburst.

" Damn, I’m an idiot," she snarled, turning to face me. " Sam, listen up, you’re okay, and I know that I’m okay, but how about Daniel and the Colonel?"

" What about them?" I asked, feeling confused.

" We have been playing poker every Tuesday at my place for the past three weeks, right?"

I nodded, smiling. "Well you went out and bought the round table…" And then I saw where she was going with this. " Oh shit, last night was Tuesday."

Her expression was dark. " It’s not yesterday I’m worried about, it’s last week, or the week before. Mumps usually take a week or so before it shows itself." Her gaze was direct. " Sam, my worry is, if Cass has it, then anybody she came into contact with in the past two weeks may have it as well. " Most of them will be children her age, but not all." She paused for breath. " In adults it is very serious indeed."

" And you would like me to check on the Colonel and Daniel?"

She nodded. " Precisely. The whole base may be at risk. I’ll fetch Cassie and take her home. Check on them. Hopefully they’re fine, but, if they are feeling unwell in any way, take them to Isolation ward 2 and call me. Okay?"

Nodding, I raced towards Daniel’s lab, the closest area to my position.

……………

" Daniel?"

I saw him start at my abrupt arrival, but there was no time to apologize.

" Sam, what’s wrong?"

He looked cool, calm, and collected, already making me feel better.

" Cassandra has mumps, making Janet ask me to check up on you and Colonel O’Neill."

He raised his eyebrows. " And Teal’c?" He pushed his glasses further up his nose, immediately correcting himself. " Of course not, he’s a Jaffa."

" So?"

He frowned owlishly at me.

" So, what?"

Sometimes he could be extremely thick.

" So, how are you feeling?"

" Well thank you." He sat back in his chair. " Sam, you are looking at the person who had the world record for mumps. I had it, um, get this," he held up his hand,

" Four, repeat, four times before the age of twelve."

" Um," I murmured, unimpressed. " That just leaves the Colonel. Any idea where he is?" I asked hopefully.

" His office, catching up on paperwork, or surreptitiously hanging around the gate room waiting for the stargate to go kawoosh." He leapt to his feet in an amazing display of athleticism. " Bet ya he’s in the control room."

As fate would have it, he wasn’t. " So, that just leaves the cafeteria or the office," Daniel grinned, " Your pick this time, seeing as I flunked out." His grin was so infectious I couldn’t help smiling in return.

" Office."

" Yes, Maam." Giving me a mock salute we proceeded to the lift.

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Something wasn’t right. My short nap was rapidly turning into a nightmare. The problem was, I was awake. I felt feverish and as weak as a kitten. To complicate things, I was finding it difficult to swallow, forcing me to lie on my side or inhale my own saliva. Not that breathing was any better. My throat felt swollen, as if someone had tried to garrote me, something that had really happened years ago, definitely not one of my favorite memories.

" Colonel, are you in here?" Carter’s voice had never sounded sweeter.

" Colonel?" Are you…Holy Hannah."

I heard Daniel’s low tones on the phone the same time I felt Carter’s cool hand on my forehead.

" Sir, hang on. The medics are coming." I tried to nod, than sank into welcoming darkness, secure in the knowledge that my team would keep me safe.

………………

Hands.

I slowly became aware of hands roughly moving me, this way and that, removing my clothes from my body. I tried to protest, only to be forestalled by the cool pain of a needle sliding into a vein in my arm.

" That’s right, keep him still until the tube goes in." A male voice. Doctor Warner.

I briefly wonder what happened to Doctor Fraiser before thought fled as my head was yanked back, opening my mouth.

" Hold him still…" I felt a brief flash of pain as he forced the tube through an obstruction in my throat.

" Okay, we’re in." For a moment I was choking, then… " Nice work people."

Dr Warner’s voice was rich with satisfaction, a sentiment I would have echoed, if I weren’t still getting used to the heady taste of oxygen again. Slowly I relaxed as the machine breathed for me, something that wasn’t lost on the surgeon.

" A minute later and he would have died." His voice was dry. " Now, do you mind telling me why I have a half dead patient here in the iso lab?"

" He has mumps," Sam’s voice replied.

" Mumps? Is that all? That is scarcely a good enough reason for us dressing up like Martians. I’m immune to mumps, as I’m sure most people are." I heard the sound of Velcro being pulled, then his sigh as he took off the suit.

" Colonel O’Neill isn’t immune to mumps," Daniel replied petulantly, accompanied by his own rubbery sounds. " And if he isn’t immune to mumps, what’s the bet that there are other people that are vulnerable to mumps as well."

" Hmm." Doctor Warner sounded worried.

" Thank goodness we haven’t been offworld recently," Sam commented. " We could have given it to another planet."

" Rubbish, Major," Warner replied. " Your pre medical would have picked this up. It’s a pity in a way that you hadn’t gone somewhere; it would have saved me a hell of a lot of work."

" Now what?" Carter asked.

" We have to recall all the medical staff and check everyone on base. If they show up as infected, they are isolated or sent home." He sighed. " Major, an infectious situation developing in a closed air-conditioned environment is every doctor’s nightmare. Thank God it’s only mumps."

I decided it was about time that I let them know I was awake.

Step one was opening my eyes.

Bad mistake

The room immediately started to lurch from side to side, making me moan quietly.

" Colonel?" How are you feeling?" I blinked up at Daniel, trying hard to figure out what image actually belonged to him. If this was mumps, than I didn’t want it.

" Don’t try to talk, your throat has swollen closed, so we’re assisting you to breathe."

I looked up blankly as a white arm reached up behind me. The arm had to belong to Doc Warner. I wondered what had happened to the rest of him.

" Major, he’s pretty non-responsive at this time. That’s to be expected. I’ve given him a powerful sedative that should help him sleep, and we’ll assess his situation in the morning." There was a rustle as he moved. " Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have plenty of work to do."

" Can we stay?" Daniel’s voice asked.

" If you like, although the machines will tell us instantly if there is something wrong."

" Nevertheless.."

" Okay." Dr Warner hesitated. " Dr Jackson, this is as bad as it gets. He should start to recover now."

Carter’s voice was soft. " Thanks for your help."

" My pleasure."

" Hopefully Cassie doesn’t have it quite this bad," Daniel said.

" She won’t Major. She’s a kid; at the age that this man should have had it. He should have played around more when he was younger, it would have saved him a lot of grief. And me."

I heard him sniff in irritation as I finally surrendered to the darkness, but not before one corner of my mind protested vigorously. I had played around when I was younger.

Unfortunately I was sixteen at the time.

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" Uncle Jack, are you sure you don’t want anything to eat?"

I had been two days since the mumps episode and I was slowly beginning to feel better. Somehow I had been bought home, not that I remembered it, and placed in my own bed, whereas the rest of SG1 had moved in.

When I decided on buying a house instead of an apartment, I had deliberately bought one with four bedrooms, because I knew that there would be days like this, where one of us would need nursing. I have been proven correct over the years, not to mention my large house was becoming quite a good investment, what with the property values in this part of town on the increase.

Janet had been quite pleased that both Cassie and I had mumps at the same time; it saved her taking leave from work in order to look after her. All she did was pack her dear daughter off to Uncle Jack’s house to be cared for by his team whilst he recovered, killing two birds with one stone, so to speak. I threatened to sue, but nobody listened.

So here I was, surrounded by my caring team and one hyperactive young girl.

" No Cassie, but thank you anyway," I said politely.

Her version of having something to eat was a large burger smothered with onions and ketchup. The smell alone was beginning to make me nauseous, making me regret eating the soup that Daniel had made me earlier.

At least things at work were looking up.

The base was still in lock down, although things were getting better by the hour. So far six cases of mumps had been confirmed, the affected personnel isolated and sent home. General Hammond said that if we were lucky we could resume offworld missions as soon as tomorrow.

I of course was banned from the base for three weeks, and when I complained bitterly about this, Janet chased everyone from my room and gave me a long lecture. She called it my "thank your lucky stars" lecture. It seems that I was extremely lucky that I only had plain mumps. Oh sure, it was uncomfortable, and without the base’s medical support structure I could very well have died, but it could have been worse.

Far worse.

It seems that when an adult male contracts mumps it…well, most of the time it affects the testicles.

They say that I have the mind of a child. I don’t mind. Maybe I do have an immature mind, so what? After living through something as traumatic as captivity in Iraq, I feel I deserve to see life with the breathless anticipation of a child once more.

After all, I very nearly never got to see it again.

I promise you, if people think I have the mind of a child, I really don’t mind, because now I know that despite my gray hair, I have the body to match.

Pity my knee doesn’t agree.

And about the mumps? I still think I’m gonna sue.

* EINDE *

Beta Tested by CiGiK

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