*A bittersweet story of friendship and what might have been

" Damn, I just don’t believe this".

Laying the steaming pizza down on the passenger seat I tried the starter one more time, hoping against hope that that distant clacking sound wasn’t what I thought it was.

" Clack."

" Damn."

That sound was the last sound a dying battery makes, and definitely not the sound I wanted to hear at 02H30 in the morning.

" Why me Lord?"

As usual, I was the one O’Neill He wasn’t gonna answer.

I sat back and morosely eyed the drumming rain that was being eerily reflected off of the truck by the Pizza joint's neon sign and considered my options.

They weren’t good.

They also were considerably better than they had been four years ago.

I distinctly remember a night like this, way back then, just after Charlie had died when I had been in almost the exact same situation.

Only then I had deliberately driven myself to this spot.

My wounds had been so raw, the pain so terrible, that I had just walked out of the house, away from a weeping Sara with the intentions of never coming back.

I felt trapped, with no way of escaping, the grief had been that overwhelming.

So I got into my truck and drove away from her, hoping against hope that I could leave my pain and grief behind.

Of course, I couldn’t.

I still can’t.

I had no real plan in mind, besides the one that I would see Charlie again, and soon.

I knew that Sara blamed me for what happened. Hell I blamed myself. How could I have been so damn stupid?

Even now, years later, the echo of that long ago agony still lingered.

I had no real plans to kill myself, I don’t think. Not then. That plan had only crystallized two days later when I had been offered the Abydos mission.

No, that night I had merely been running away, fleeing from the pain of what I had done.

I had driven for hours, friendless and hurting, the tears streaming down my face unchecked until I had finally chanced on a pizza joint.

This pizza joint.

Parked just about here.

I straightened from the wheel, peering out into the deserted lot, trying to remember exactly where I had parked all those years ago, the remembered pain of that man I used to be leaving a bitter taste in my mouth, but of course I couldn’t.

I had been so trapped, so distraught, that I couldn’t remember, even now, years later.

All I could remember was the garish neon reflecting against the water on the ground, the windscreen, and my face.

Red blue, red blue. I still remember the brash colors shining against my eyelids as I finally gave into the swelling grief and allowed it to wash over me.

Back then, although I didn’t realize it, I had been crying for more than my dead son. I had also been crying for my lost innocence.

Despite, or maybe because of what had happened to me in Iraq, I had been living the atypical American dream. I had a wife, a child, a stable marriage, and job.

I had wanted for nothing.

Then Charlie had shot himself and my perfect world had come crashing down.

Back then I had cursed the world for what had happened.

I cursed Sara, slowly driving her away, despite her needing me. I cursed my family who had come from Chicago to show support for their estranged brother, and I cursed myself.

I was a fool.

I had forgotten the most basic rule in life.

There is always a plan.

Maybe we don’t know what it is at first, as I didn’t, way back then.

The plan existed nevertheless.

If I had driven off of that cliff just to one side of the pizza joint on that dark night four years ago, I wouldn’t have been sent to Abydos.

I wouldn’t have met Daniel.

Or met Share and Skaara.

SG1 might never have been formed.

I would never have met Teal’c or…oh God, I would never have met Sam Carter.

You see my point?

Back then I had forgotten such plans existed, even though I had constantly reminded myself of that fact whilst incarcerated in Iraq.

The thought of that unknown plan had kept me alive.

Back then the plan had culminated in the information I could give my rescuers, information my captors had no idea I had possessed.

As soon as I had been able to speak I told them of the weapons caches, the chemical dumps that I had seen whilst being transferred between one camp and another. I knew for a fact my information saved lives, and it meant that there had been a reason for the horror I went through.

So it was with what had happened to Charlie, his death had been part of another cosmic plan, although at the time all I could think of was the loss. And the pain.

Oh yes, the pain.

Yet it got easier. Somehow it got easier as the days progressed.

It was through Charlie’s death that I had met all the people who meant so much to me today. My support network if you will.

" Sir?"

The voice right next to my open window made me start, something not lost on my blonde haired second.

" Sorry sir, I didn’t mean to make you jump. It’s just that when you didn’t answer your home phone I got to worrying."

I opened the passenger door, wondering what the heck she was doing there. " Carter? It’s okay. I only jumped a little." I stared at her dripping figure for a moment before common sense and chivalry kicked in. "Get in before you drown."

"Thanks sir," she said, handing me the pizza box.

" Are you okay?"

I smiled, touched at her concern. " I’m fine thanks. My truck on the other hand isn’t."

Her face was chagrined. " Oh, and of course you left your cell phone in my office."

I had?

" Thanks Carter," I smiled.

A thought occurred.

" How did you find me?"

Her smile grew. " It wasn’t easy. When you didn’t answer your home phone after an hour of repeated tries, I contacted Daniel and Teal’c. We split up, Daniel and Janet in his car, Teal’c and the General in his, and me in mine. I struck it lucky."

I stared at her. " Woah. Janet and Daniel. Teal’c and the General?"

She shrugged. " Hey, we were worried." A touch of sarcasm came through, obviously rubbed off from me. " In case you hadn’t noticed, It’s dark and raining cats and dogs …sir."

I smiled. " So it is."

I looked down at the cold pizza box on her lap. " Tell you what, you phone the others and tell them to meet us here. In the meantime I’ll go and fetch some more pizza. Deal?"

She nodded. " Deal."

Warmed by her smile I slowly exited the car and made my way back towards the joint, only to stop abruptly.

There. I had parked over there, next to that distinctive gnarled tree.

I had parked my truck right on that spot and cried for hours, missing my boy so terribly I thought I would just die from the grief alone.

" Sir, are you okay?" I jumped again at her soft touch.

I turned to her and sighed, uncaring at the rain that dribbled down my collar. " Yes Carter." I shrugged. " Just reliving bad memories, y’know?"

She was perceptive, I give her that.

" Charlie?"

When I nodded, she gently led me into the pizza joint’s smoky interior.

" If you want to talk," she said softly, " I’m always available."

A list of bawdy locker room comments paraded through my brain for a moment, a typical O’Neill response to intimacy. I furiously shoved them to one side, realizing that Carter was offering me something precious, her confidentiality as a friend.

"Yeah." I stared into her blue eyes, smudged by a night of sleeplessness. " Yeah, I would like that."

Her smile was soft. " My place, 18H00 tonight. I’ll cook supper."

Her sigh at my nod of acceptance made me give her a bittersweet smile.

" Am I that transparent?"

" No, it’s just that the hurt shines through. Hurt people need friends." She turned me to face her, her face as serious as I have ever seen it.

" Remember this well, Colonel Jack O’Neill, leader of SG1. You have friends now. People who care deeply for you and worry when you don’t make contact on dark and stormy nights. One of those friends is right in front of you and four more will be along shortly wanting hot food."

She shook me gently, forcing lightness into the situation. " So I suggest you order something, quick, before this poor assistant here falls asleep."

I raised an eyebrow at her, briefly wondering why Charlie had to die for me to strike it so lucky.

" Is that an order Major?"

" Uh-huh," she said, deftly removing my credit card from between my fingers.

" Jump to it Colonel."

I gave her a grin. " For you, Major Samantha Carter, anytime."

Staring at the board, trying desperately to remember what Teal’c liked, I felt the last vestiges of long ago pain slowly leave me, along with the last tendrils of the rainy night.

Placing my order I turned and stared out the window at the new dawn, aware that my friends had arrived.

Daniel waved, prompting me to wave in return.

I’ll be okay.

It’s taken me a lot of years to say that and actually mean it, but now I actually think I can.

Charlie will always be loved, and I will always grieve for what might have been, but in his passing a new life had slowly been formed.

Mine.

" Sir? Your pizza sir."

*EINDE*

Beta Tested by CiGiK

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