Headline graphic of fishing shacks on a Ukrainian
beach
near Odessa by Marynych Kate.
Click to enlarge.
Tales from a Distant Anchorage
So we got to Brazil a month after taking bunkers at Singapore, great. Trouble was the Charterer didn't have a cargo for us! So we anchored sixteen miles offshore near Tubarao for a month and a half. Ever been bored? Try a month and a half at anchor when the fish don't bite! Ok, so the fish did bite but that doesn't count, we were bored.
So I thought of getting the Ukrainians to write stories of the Ukraine, to add a new dimension, a page with a difference. Roll over Pushkin! The tales below are the fruits of a month and a half lolling offshore as told in their own words, uncorrected by me. You might notice that their English is not perfect but it is a heck of a lot better than my few words of Russian! And it does add the rich dimension of stories or jokes as told by the Ukrainians themselves.
By Polyakov Oleksiy
The
KGB trained a Special Agent
for secret mission at One of foreigner countries during very long time. After
finished that training courses the Special Agent
of the KGB was sent outer boarder of the
In a small café he ordered cup of coffee. After finish his coffee he asked a Bill.
A Barman told a waiter:
- Give the invoice to KGB Agent!
- Why You think like that? – asked Agent.
- Because You keep spoon in the cup during drinking! - answered Barman.
In the next bar the Agent ordered same cup of coffee. But before testing he took off spoon and putted on a saucer. After finish this coffee he same asked a Bill.
A Barman told a waiter:
- Give the invoice to KGB Agent!
- Why You think like that? – asked Agent.
- Because You made loud sound with the spoon in the cup during mixing of your coffee! - answered Barman.
In the next Café- Bar the Special agent was conservative. He ordered cup of coffee, very gentle mixed sugar in the cup, before testing he took off a spoon and putted on a saucer. After finish this coffee he same asked a Bill.
A Barman told a waiter:
- Give the invoice to KGB Agent!
- Why You think like that? – asked Agent.
- Because You have closed right eye same like You have a spoon in the cup during testing of your coffee! - answered Barman.
Mongolian Submarine
By Polyakov Oleksiy
At open sea. An immense large passenger liner has met a very rust Mongolian submarine . Commander of the Submarine asked Watch Officer of the Passenger liner:
- Where is nearest land?
- Keep course SSW - Watch officer answered.
Don’t show off one’s intelligence! Show me direction by hand!
How
Not to Drag a Walrus
By Polyakov Oleksiy
Two Chukchi men went shooting for walrus. This hunt was successfully and they pull walrus carcass by the flipper. Walrus tusks plough tundra. It is a very heavy load. It is very hard work. It is very hard way to home. Distance is reducing very slowly. They are tired, sitting and smoking, looking around.
A helicopter is coming. A Russian pilot advises to them:
- Take the walrus carcass from other side by the tusks. It will be easy to pull!
- O.K! We will do like that.
After three hours. One of them tells to other:
- However, that Russian pilot is stupid! He made an ass of us. This way is to much easy but our yaranga is further and further.
Dog Team and the Kamaz
By Polyakov Oleksiy
One Chukchi man took up a big Russian truck “KAMAZ”, new model. But short time later he discontinued using his truck and exhibited it one near his yaranga .
Neighbors not understanding:
- What is happen? Is this truck no good quality?
No! No! No! It is a perfect truck – answer a Chukchi man – Nice design, large capacity. But I have one problem only. “KAMAZ” is heavy and my dogs are tired very quickly.
When I could Walk Under the Table
By Marynych Sergiy
At the time when I could walk
under a table, my parents and I lived in country named
My parents and I lived in the
small town on coast of
Now we are living in the same town but now in our town
plenty shops named: Super Market, Hyper Market and others, the Soviet Union
disappear but we still have ordinary markets, my mother found new work but now
she is working half a day from 8 am till 2 pm and market situated in front of
building where she work and after each “hard” working day she rush to the
market and very often came at home at 5 or 6 pm. For her it is like tradition or
hobby I don’t know, she spends time at market, looking for fresh and cheap
products for her family.
I'm a Panda!
by Dzhulay Dmytro
Old man is reading magazine “National Geographic”
Shark – 1500 teeth
Panda – 24 teeth
Human – 32 teeth
Oh, damn! I’m a PANDA!
The Case on the Ukrainian Road
by Pudikov Yuriy
Zaporozhets crashed into Mercedes-600 on a crossroad.
Four strong guys armed with pistols went out of the Mercedes.
The small humble old man went out of Zaporozhets. He took a iron bar
and beated all guys from Mercedes, he breaked glasses and lights of the car.
Then he sat down into Zaporozhets and left there.
One of guys spited knocked-out teeth out and asked his friends:
- Do you know why he didn't kill us???
- Because we are MAFIA!!!
This is a Zaporozhets!
Oladie
by Tkachuk Kostyantyn
500gr – Flour
2 glasses of milk
2 eggs
1 spoon of sugar
½ teaspoon of salt
25gr of yeast
Dissolve yeast in the milk, add flour and mix. Two eggs mix with salt and sugar add in to dough and knead. Put the dough in to warm place for arise. When the dough have arise, don’t knead it, take it with spoon and put on a hot pan with drop of oil. Fry both sides.
Taste
better with honey or any kind of jam. Enjoy your meal.
A
History of One Word
By Polyakov Oleksiy
This story I hear from my oldest brother when I was a student.
A word “SHARAMYZHNIK” means beggary, some body is wearing in rags, cadger. This word was arise in Russian language during period of the Patriotic War in 1812.
At the winter 1812 Napoleon’s army left the
Weather in that period was very snowing and freezing. French soldiers had not warm clothes and were dressed in any old thing to avoid of death from cold weather. They were
hungry.
When French soldiers had applied assistance of Russian people, ones commenced
Them
recourse from words: “
This word became as negative meaning in Russian language.
by Nikora Petro
I’m
working on the ship more then year, it’s time for renew my Health Certificate.
When our ship was in China, Captain had organize trip to hospital for me and
another seaman that had problem with tooth, in addition to pass health
examination I’m also had toothache. My friend and I went to the hospital. When
we arrived doctor met us and took me to the dentist cabinet and commenced drill
my tooth like madman the smell was terrible but after hour of hard work my tooth
become like new. When I got out from the doctor my friend was staying in another
doctor cabinet. In half an hour he came back and we went to the ship. I was
happy that my tooth healthy and totally forgot about my health examination. In
the car on the way to the ship my friend had tell me the story that happens with
him in the hospital. He said that chine’s medicine very good, before beginning
treat the tooth, doctor took: blood test, urine test, checked his eyes, blood
pressure, skin, made x-ray, to make a long story short, the doctor checked
everything. And I remembered that forgot to pass my health examination and I
understood that my friend passed it instead of me. I became frightened that
health certificate will be with name of my friend. When I have said it to
him he smiled and we came back to the ship! Day later agent came with health
certificate and I was happy the name in the certificate mine. The chine’s
doctors the “Best Doctors in the world” next time I will take ape to pass
exams instead of me!
Tour
around
by Nikora Petro
In
previous story, I told to you about my adventure in China
with health examination. Are you thinking it’s the end? No it’s beginning
of my next story. When Captain received my new heath certificate it was not
convenient to the standard of Marine health certificate like not international
and captain decide to send me to the doctor at the next port. Our ship departure
from China and make one’s way to Brazil, month later we arrived and were
staying at anchor for one & half month. At anchorage we had a lot of work
with engine and when we moored along side I was half a dead. Next day agent came
to the ship early morning and took me to the doctor for next health examination,
but at that day I was only one man who need to the doctor. I was happy for two
reasons: doctor situated in
My Second Name "LUCKY"
by Nikora Petro
As
you know from previous stories I’m “lucky”! After Sepetiba (
Ivan Apple Seed
by Pudikov Yuriy
One man is eating apples. He extractes the seeds from the apple and
puts they in one's pocket.
The Moldavian see that and ask him why he doing like that.
- I'll sell these seeds later because they are improving an intellect.
- I'd like to buy one seed.
- Okey, 2 dollars.
The Moldavian bought the seed and eated it, than he said:
- Oh-oh, I could buy 2 kgs of apples instead of 1 seed for 2 dollars!
- Yes, indeed, you became more clever already. It's working!
- This is true! Could you sell me ten more seeds, please?
Russian flag
By Marek Szczygielski
On 1994 , mid-November, our ugly coaster was directed for a voyage from
Anyhow, 2nd Mate demonstrated proudly to me a good piece of red cloth , with
stars, hammer and other funny tools on it.
I was shocked and saw myself on remote Siberian camp for such a provocation. (in case we arrived with this thing on the foremast).
2nd Mate listened politely, what I think about his mama and himself, then asked : - What we are going to do, Captain?
Obviously , proper flag was not yet pictured in British publications, I remembered, that the colours are same as on the Dutch one. I ordered 2nd Mate to take Dutch flag, cut it into stripes and sew back in different order.
- Which particular order You wish, Sir - ha asked politely.
Good point! I was not sure, and the more I tried to remember , the more unsure I became. Decided to ask Agent , sent him a telex “ what are the colours of Russian flag, from top to bottom” The Agent , Mr.Lebed (the Swan) replied quickly “ white, red, blue “.
The rest of a day 2nd Mate worked on the Dutch flag, which became finally “
Russian”. Next morning I received “top urgent” from our Swan: “Master,
mistake, white, blue, red “. Dutch – Russian flag went into stripes again
with efforts of 2nd Mate , 4 hours of sewing (try it , if
never did it before) and again we had a flag. The flag of
Could anybody on board be blamed, if The Russians themselves were not able to remember, How their new flag really looks?
* * *
Chief Mate here on board had his explanation , how it is easy to remember:
It
is like present social status of
* * *
Captain Marek Szczygielski relived me in Immingham, England and seems to be getting "home page fever" himself! If the Constantia Crew carry on sending me stories of the same high standard as those above I will carry on publishing them.